The Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Dance and How to Break Free

As many of you know, I am an attachment-based therapist. I believe that attachment in childhood lays down pathways in our brains that give us a model for how we form and maintain attachments in adulthood. Attachment can create decades of distress, but also can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of life that humans can experience - creating a secure base from which we can explore life and understand the world, in our own ways and with our own values.

Attachment theory states that we create a model for attachment in childhood based on our relationship with our caregivers, and then we use that model later in life to build close relationships. While true, it is not fixed. You are not stuck in your attachment style for the rest of your life. As I shared in an earlier blog post, one of the reasons why I value being a therapist is due to this particular concept. You are able to reset your attachment style by existing in healthy relationships as an adolescent or an adult, and it is a beautiful thing. Again, as repeated from an earlier post, I would like to share a quote from The Body Keeps the Score, "You have to find someone you can trust enough to accompany you, someone who can safely hold your feelings and help you listen to the painful messages from your emotional brain. You need a guide who is not afraid of your terror and who can contain your darkest rage, someone who can safeguard the wholeness of you while you explore the fragmented experiences that you had to keep secret from yourself for so long." This can be a romantic relationship, a close friendship, a re-established (and worked on by both parties) relationship with a parent/caregiver, or a bond with a therapist. Essentially, you have the ability to go from having an insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style by doing both work on your own and with others in your life.

What are the attachment styles? Quick review below:

1) Secure: Autonomous, trusting. Relationships can be simpler, more straightforward. A person with this attachment style typically learned early on that it is okay/safe to trust other people.

2) Insecure-Anxious: Suspicious, preoccupied. These individuals have a harder time trusting others (and themselves), and they typically had inconsistent caregiving. Caregivers were loving and supportive at times and then unavailable/hurtful the next. Can look like: often feeling threatened by minor slights or misunderstandings, regularly questioning whether your partner wants to be with you, trying to seek more proximity to your partner when in distress even when they say they need space, getting very close very quickly ("falling hard fast"), jealousy of other's in partner's life or worries about exes, needing constant reassurance, etc.

3) Insecure-Avoidant: Dismissing. These individuals typically have a harder time connecting and being vulnerable. They often had caregivers who didn't acknowledge their feelings or were self-absorbed (intentionally or not, which is a critical piece - this is common with complex grief, substance use, and trauma as well). Can look like: wanting to pull away as relationship gets more intimate, not wanting to introduce partners to family members or friends, not wanting to use labels, can glorify past relationships as a way of distancing from current partner, may not want to share emotionally intimate or vulnerable material, etc.

4) Insecure-Disorganized: Unresolved. These individuals were sometimes scared of their caregivers. Love is learned to be mixed up with abuse, neglect, or abandonment.

I want to underline that humans want to attach to other humans, it is in our nature. Evolutionarily, it was a lot easier to fight off the lion with a group of people than on your own. So the desire to attach continued to get reinforced, hardwired, and passed down in our brains. Even the most avoidantly attached individual deep down has that biological urge - they have likely just had some trauma along the way that has made it feel significantly safer to not attach to others.

Now I could talk about attachment all day, but this post is about when we find ourselves in any of the insecure categories and partnered with someone in another one of the insecure categories. Some of the most common couple groupings is a person with an anxious attachment style matched with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

What does this look like and what can you do?

The symptoms of an anxious-avoidant dance continue to be noted as concerning patterns in today's society. Moving forward, I will use a fictional monogamous dating relationship to highlight my points, but remember that these symptoms can be seen in any significant relationship that lights up your attachment patterns. Primary attachments light up the attachment schema in our brains, which leads us to act out old patterns (because it is what we know) within a new context.

Example: Person A and Person B met on a dating app two months ago. They have gone out several times, and have texted a bit between dates. Person A has an anxious attachment style and Person B has an avoidant attachment style. Person A would prefer to text all day, throughout the day. They would like reminders that Person B has thought about them, and when they haven't heard from Person B all day, they start to wonder whether B has lost interest in them. They are consumed by it, and even check Instagram to see if B has watched A's story, which A thinks would confirm that B has been on their phone. They start to wonder, "what have I done? am I not attractive enough? am I not interesting enough?" while they are waiting for B to text them or check social media. They may start to get frustrated that B hasn't texted them, and then start thinking about how A is often the first one to text B. When they receive a text from B in the evening, A debates whether to not respond for awhile ("I am not going to respond to B when they have not even been thinking about me all day!") or they respond in a short, colder way. When this happens, B is confused as to why A is acting this way. B may get angry, thinking that A is expecting so much from them ("Doesn't A realize that I was working all day and can't text every second?") - This is one example. A may also feel sad or frustrated that B isn't wanting to introduce A to their family yet and that B reports that that is something they wait for a long time to do and is an unrealistic want two months in. B might think that A is trying to trap them or take away their independence. A might express hurt feelings to B and ask them whether they want to be together, whether they find A attractive, or other checking behaviors that shows some of this anxiety playing out. A might also act out - blocking B's phone number or unfollowing B on instagram when they haven't heard from them. B might purposefully not want to answer A's phone calls, or might dread emotional the conversations that A craves. B feels frustrated and pressured to talk to A more than B wants because B values alone time, or time with friends. B feels uncomfortable with how fast things are moving and pushes A away, which in turn makes A more anxious and then B more avoidant. Both of them are feeling as though they are stuck in a loop and potentially with 'the wrong person' instead of both thinking about what might be happening and if they are playing out old patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

You might be thinking, "I feel like this is so familiar! What is it even 'supposed to' look like?" or "If I am Person A, do I just shut off my anxiety - is that what I am supposed to do?" or, "If I am Person B, should I just give up my independence and reassure A all the time?" The answer to all of those questions is some form of no, and the desire for those reactions is just reinforcing a shut down response. We don't want to do that.

For context, here is how it might go with two securely attached people:

Person A and Person B met on a dating app two months ago. They have gone out several to restaurants and bars, and have texted a bit between dates. Both people enjoy texting a bit throughout the day and also having stretches of independent time. Person A might have a preference to talk all day, every day, but does not immediately call the relationship into question if they haven't heard from their partner. Neither partner keeps track of who texts who first, they just enjoy talking. Person B knows that they have back-to-back meetings all day and plans with friends in the evening, so they text A in the morning and let them know that they likely won't be able to chat until the next day. They end the text with "I am so looking forward to taking you out to dinner tomorrow night!" Person A, while maybe slightly disappointed that they won't hear from B, understands and is able to engage in their own activities. When B responds in the evening or the next day, A is happy to hear from them. Person A has a family party coming up and asks B if they'd like to join A for this event and meet the family. B might say "Yes, sounds great!" or may say, "I would love to meet your family soon, but a gathering next month feels better for me. Should we look at the calendar?" Neither A nor B hide the relationship, and they are upfront with their wants and needs, even if they feel like they may be in conflict with the other person's wants and needs. If there is a moment of insecurity or miscommunication, it is discussed and not dwelled on. Both partners give the other the benefit of the doubt and hold positive regard for the other. They want to hear their partner's perspective. They feel comfortable with both space and intimate contact.

Remember, studies have shown that around 50% of adults have a secure attachment style! [Of course there is margin here, but it is still a lot!]

If you find yourself in the anxious-avoidant dance, think about the following things:

1. How can I best support my needs in a way that holds both support for maintaining some independence and a chance for growing closer?

2. If someone wants a more intimate relationship than you do, that is a want and that is okay. It is okay to ask what feels important to them about having a label or saying 'I love you'

3. If someone is not wanting to be in a relationship, that is a want and it should be respected, even if it is painful. It is okay to ask why they are not wanting that.

4. Along a similar line, you should not try to change your partner. You can work on yourself and you can encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves that they can be, but you should not try to single-handedly change them. For both anxious and avoidant folks, studies have shown that as one person's attachment style becomes more secure, the other person's slowly does as well. Try to think for yourself: how can I be a better partner by being the best version of me?

5. For long-term partners: Maybe consider adding a weekly or monthly check in to your schedule -- each person can share how they feel like their needs are/aren't getting met this month. Avoid statements with always or never, and try to LISTEN to hear your partner's wants and needs instead of thinking immediately about how you will answer or share your own.

6. For anxious folks: Try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt - they are likely NOT trying to avoid/hurt you and what if you radically accept that they will tell you if things are off or not working for them? If something does hurt your feelings, share it with kindness, with the assumption that they did not purposefully try to hurt you. If it helps you to have predictability, maybe consider offering a longer stretch before returning to one another (for example, offering to call twice a week instead of texting daily for awhile). Talk about these insecurities and these anxieties in therapy. Be kind to yourself and remember that it is possible that as a kid you had to tug harder at your attachment figure in order to get care - or that care was inconsistent or unpredictable - and this is lighting up those old patterns.

7. For avoidant folks: You should also try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt - they are likely NOT trying to trap you or force you to do things you don't want to do. What if you radically accept that if you ask for some space while giving them the reassurance that you are looking forward to seeing them when you return, that they will hear and honor that? If it helps to have more alone time or independent time with friends, share why that is important to you and let your partner know that it is something for you and not a direct avoidance of them. Talk about concerns about closeness or intimacy in therapy. Be kind to yourself and remember that it is possible that as a kid you had to detach emotionally from your attachment figure in order to stay emotionally safe within the environment, and this is lighting up those old patterns.

As an attachment therapist, a lot of the time people might note frustration that these patterns may be rooted in childhood. They may say things like, "But I am not a baby! This makes me feel childish." I try to let them know that these patterns have been running on autopilot for a long time, and a lot of the time we don't know that we are doing the things we are doing. We are in the present in the sense that we are taking present-day triggers and trying to match them to the schemas that we know. The first step is to try to notice that you are running this old strategy and try to have compassion for yourself in it, and maybe try something new. Thankfully because you are NOT a baby or a child, you are able to manage if you get hurt. It might not feel good, but you will survive. You have resources and supports in yourself and maybe even in your community to help you get through it - the ones that you likely did not have as a child when the old strategy was all you had. Now it is time to learn (whether in this relationship, the next, or on your own), that you are a human being and human beings want to attach to other human beings at the core of it all, AND that you will be okay if you end up getting hurt.