Helping a Loved One Seek Therapy

Do you have a friend, family member, partner, or loved one who would benefit from therapy but is not accessing services? Well, I can tell you right away that you do, because every single person can benefit from therapy to some degree. Not everyone needs weekly therapy, and not everyone needs a certain type of therapy, but everyone could benefit from a guide to help support them in their own self-discovery, to explore blindspots, and to deconstruct unhelpful thinking patterns that can be detrimental to one's experience of daily life.

It has been studied that Millennials are the first generation to really value and stick to therapy as a cohort, and Gen Z is looking even better. What a lot of people in these generations believe is that you do not have to accept things as they are - there is less of a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality and more of a "if this isn't working, why don't we try to fix it?" mentality. Ah, a beautiful thing. This can lead the Baby Boomer generation to think that millennials and Gen Z folks are "snowflakes" or are too idealistic, but really the cohorts are working on pointing out what is wrong with systems, how to fix it, and going out and doing it. So what if the system is your brain, your life, or your emotions? Works in a similar way. Let's try to find a way to make things work better for you, because the current state of affairs is not at its ideal.

So how do we bring these topics to Baby Boomers, or even to younger folks who tend to be either afraid or perhaps cynical about therapy? First, identify the barriers that may be in play and address each according to their unique presentations. Here are some potential barriers:

1. "I am too old for that." or "I don't want to go there, that was so long ago." This can also be experienced as "I am too afraid to go into that" and the idea of stuffing things into a closet and worrying that if they open the door that things will fall out on them and they won't be able to get it all back in there. How to address this barrier - Explain to your loved one that therapy is lead by you, that you can tell the therapist that you do not want to go to certain parts of the past, and they should respect that. If they do not respect that after a calm reminder, you have my permission to respectfully leave. If this is a barrier for your loved one, make sure they are not seeking out psychoanalysis, because that specific type of therapy is less contained.

2. "I don't want to do this forever." When in therapy, the goal is that you can gain skills, understanding, and an attachment that can exist outside of the therapy room.

3. "I don't have the money." This can definitely limit your options, but it doesn't exclude you from therapy. There are therapists who take all insurances, and if your insurance does not offer mental health services, you can likely get a secondary insurance from the state to help with this.

4. "There is no one around here." Now with telehealth, this is no longer an issue. As long as you have access to a telephone, you can receive therapy.

5. "No one can understand me." This is true. No one can fully understand you, and a therapist should be the first to tell you that they will not immediately understand you but that they want to. Being with someone who truly wants to know you, to see you and hear you, can be overwhelming, but the supportive attachment with this someone is what helps us have a strong foundation to grow and further understand ourselves.

6. "Therapists don't look like me." If you feel strongly about having a clinician of a similar background, there are ways to search for these details. There are therapists from all backgrounds and life experiences, and you are allowed to follow your preferences.

7. "I don't like to talk about my feelings." As stated in the first bullet point, you can go into therapy and talk about whatever feels comfortable at first. The therapist should make you feel safe to explore your feelings when you are ready, and never before. It may not be pleasant, but it should never feel unsafe or out of control.

8. "It is not acceptable in my culture." Try to determine what actually is unacceptable about it in the culture, and try to go from there. Try to understand if there are certain elements that are misrepresented or are experienced differently in different cultures. Try to give more information to provide a greater understanding. Finally, remind them that they are the only ones who will have to know about the therapy.

Once you go through the barriers, remind your loved one that you are there to support them, to care about them, to be with them in the process. Let them know that what you are asking is for them to try - to give a solid, heartfelt try.

To access therapists, you can do the following:

-Contact your insurance company for a list of providers in your area

-Sites such as Psychology Today or Inclusive Therapists... these have a list of provider's profiles so that you can choose what type of therapist you'd like and/or if they are accepting new clients

-Sites such as Better Help, Lemonaid, or TalkSpace for telehealth-only therapists

-Asking your primary care doctor for recommendations

Finally, remember the saying, "You can bring a horse to water but you cannot make it drink it" -- It is not your job to force someone to go to therapy - it is a benefit to provide them with the resources and information so that they can make their own decision to get the help they need.