In Love's Honor

One of the hardest parts of being in relationship with someone is when there is conflict. Couples take to conflict in many different ways - some scream and others avoid talking about issues altogether - and everything in between! We often find that conflict is one of the main sources of strain within a partnership, and one that weighs heavily on individuals within the relationship.

Why do we fight?

There are many reasons why couples will have disagreements - and that is okay! Two people entering into an adult relationship typically means that these are two individuals who were raised in different homes, have different expectations, have different love languages, have different ways to communicate, and so on and so forth.

How can we communicate better and generally feel closer?

John and Julie Gottman are some of the most prominent leaders in couples' therapy research these days, and they have several ideas that I use in my practice and would like to share with you.

1. Take a break - when you are noticing that you are getting overwhelmed in the conversation or you start to notice that your partner is getting overwhelmed - take a 15-30 minute break. The key thing here is to select a time that you will be returning to the conversation so that each of you knows that it is not getting swept under the rug. One of the main reasons why people want to keep arguing is a fear that they will not return to the conversation later. However, choosing a time when you will come back to the conversation holds you accountable to talk about it in a more calm state.

2. Gottman's Gentle start up - when you bring up something that is bothering you, state how you feel and what you are hoping to see happen. Do not go in with criticism -- try to avoid that by stating how you feel and what might help you feel better. Try to avoid saying, "I feel like you..." instead of using the equation "I feel ____ (emotion)" - this is getting to how you feel without accusing anyone else of being responsible for your feelings, even if others' actions had an impact on them.

3. State of Our Union - The Gottmans recommend having a weekly or monthly State of Union meeting, which includes a check-in on how each partner has loved the other partner well in the last week/month, and how each partner can love the other even better the following week/month.

4. Make time for quality time - so often (especially these days with the pandemic) we are not having true quality time with our partners. If we are able to carve out a time - even just an hour or a couple hours a week - strictly for connection, it can help us feel more like a unit.

5. Schedule sex/intimate time - I can almost hear the exasperated "ugh that is so lame!" coming from the other end of the screen. Let me tell you, every couple who I have had do this exercise has found that they are actually having more sex and more enjoyable sex. You can still have spontaneous sex as often as you want, but making time for this at least once a week is an important way to stay physically connected. Please note that this does not need to be sex only - this can be any type of physical intimacy that you and your partner would like more of... cuddling, baths, making out, etc. is all fair game.

6. Finally, really listen to your partner. Remember in moments of tension what made you fall in love with them. Life gets hard, things get stressful, but you guys are a team and you want to make sure that you let your partner know that you at least hear them, even if you do not agree with them.

Try to remember that more often than not, couples can benefit from more connection. Understanding when to connect and when to take space is a delicate dance, and learning to communicate your wants and needs is a skill. Together they can help us work toward building a lasting partnership and choosing love, connection, and hope.