"Love... an ever-fixed mark that looks upon tempests and is never shaken" - Shakespeare, The Tempest

The concept of the Five Love Languages has been popularized in the last decade. In some ways it has turned into a fad, which is not super great because it steers away from the actual psychology behind it and the ways in which it speaks to attachment. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gift-giving, and physical touch. It is important to learn your love language(s) -- both how you show love and how you receive love. In a partnership, it is crucial to understand one another's styles to make sure that you are not speaking different languages. A disconnect here can mean that an individual may not feel supported/cared for because they may not be seeing what their partner is doing to show love.

1) Words of Affirmation: Sharing verbal compliments, encouraging words, kind words, conversations regarding accountability, verbal reassurance, etc - using words to show your parter that they matter. This could include "I am proud of you" or "You mean so much to me" or "You are such a kind, loving person and I appreciate all that you do."

-Special note: What is important is that these are meaningful, truthful statements. If the words are not backed by actions/truth, they can often feel meaningless. So if your love language uses words, make sure that you are saying only truthful things.

2) Acts of Service: Going out of your way to do something for your partner, such as a task, because you know that it will ease a burden for your partner or it will mean something to your partner. This could include going to holidays with the in-laws when you don't particularly get along, but you know it is important to your partner. Other things include taking on chores that your partner usually does to help them out, fixing something that is broken for them, and/or cooking for your partner after a long day.

-Special note: You don't want to do this just to say, "Hey look, I did this for you so you should do this for me!" - these acts of service are done from a place of unburdening or caring for your partner, not to be used as currency for later.

3) Quality Time: A big part of quality time is togetherness - making the time that you are together something that sends the message that your partner matters to you. This could mean learning a new skill together (such as taking a cooking class) or having a movie night every Friday night.

-Special note: It's important to know that quality time is time spent focusing on togetherness. Far too often couples fall into patterns where they are just co-existing instead of sharing quality time -- this does not count.

4) Gift-Giving: This does not always mean extravagant gifts - that is somewhat unrealistic for most people. This might mean picking up your partner's favorite snack on your way home, or bringing flowers to your partner on a random day. The message sent here is, "You matter, and I was thinking of you."

Special note: The act of gift-giving as a way to apologize is slightly different. It's definitely not bad, but what we are focusing on here is the act of gift-giving in a random or celebratory way.

5) Physical Touch: This includes all physical affection - hand-holding, cuddling, hugs, kisses, sex, etc. This is the physical reassurance of connection.

Special note: To the individuals for whom sex is difficult, it is important to know that there are far more ways to experience intimacy than only having sex. A big message here is, "I care, and I am here. I want to connect with you." Then when sex/affection is a positive aspect of the relationship, it can be used as a consistent way to connect when things feel out of sync.

Do any of these sound like you? You may notice that the way that you show love might be different from the way that you want to accept love. It often comes from expectations within a family system. For example, one of the most common ones that I have seen are individuals who love via acts of service (because they were taught in their family to not rock the boat and/or to put others first) and then who prefer to be loved with words of affirmation, quality time, or gift giving - those styles that send the direct message "I see you, and you as an individual matter to me" to him/her/them. Another common one I have seen is when individuals love via physical touch and when physical touch isn't initiated in the same way back, they may jump to feeling unattractive or unwanted. This style can come out of families where there was very little physical touch, or the opposite where there is a lot or even too much (including but not limited to unwanted touch), where self-worth, safety, and assurance of connection is linked to physical affection and/or touch.

So what happens if there is a disconnect between my partner and me? Talk about it! Talk about what makes you feel loved. And if your partner is not feeling loved by you, share with them your style and point out how you have been trying to show that love for them. Not in a way of anger, but rather in a way in which you are helping to translate. You and your partner may have to adjust in this way - to start to branch out to learn a new language - but the importance is that there is willingness to learn and grow in a way that your partner feels loved and supported.

I want to take a moment to enforce that this is not just within romantic relationships. Think about your friendships, your family relationships, even professional relationships - how do you send the message to someone that you value them? If you feel a disconnect between you and a friend or you and a family member, maybe note what language you guys might be speaking. Whether you have noticed in the past what has been effective or whether you have to take notes moving forward, acknowledging this can be an important next step in building up/back that connection.

If you are unsure of your love language, in the resources section of the website, you will see the love languages quiz via PDF. Give it a go and see what you find!