Shifting the Narrative of the Inner Critic

Every person has experienced (at least once) a voice in their head that says, "You could have done better" or "you're not pretty enough" or "you're stupid" -- Or hey, maybe all three at once! The term inner critic has been coined to describe that voice.

I have heard the inner critic take many forms. For some people, this voice comes out only at very particular times of insecurity. For others, it is a nonstop force that loops all day and all night. Sometimes it is an actual voice and sometimes it is just a wave of feelings and thoughts. I have heard it be the voice of a mother, an abuser, the self, an annoying child, and so many more variations.

So what's the use? Our inner critic has served us in some ways, or maybe a lot of ways, in the past. Perhaps it helped us work harder in school, or helped us run faster in that race, or helped us be a little kinder to others. It serves us typically in ways that regulate behavior. Take the example of "You could have done better" - sometimes if that is looping in the mind, it will motivate us to work harder next time. The inner critic has helped each of us reach positive outcomes, but the road that we have taken to get there has not been one of positivity and support.

So what do we do? Well first of all, I think we can take a moment to thank the inner critic for PART of what it has done - "Thank you for trying to help me be better." Then ask the inner critic what it might need and how might it be able to do that in a way that is less critical and less cruel. Most often, the inner critic is scared -- scared of failure, of social rejection, of abandonment. It acts out because it wants to make sure that we still are striving to be better, still connecting, still working hard, but can it learn that you can do those things even without the criticism? It will likely push back at first, but the hope is that eventually you can prove that you can more clearly hear its words without the added tone of cruelty.

Critique vs. criticism -- this is one of my favorite distinctions to make for clients and for inner critics. I will define critique to mean specific, constructive feedback with the goal of lifting you up and helping to improve for next time. I will define criticism as general, negative, unproductive feedback that doesn't offer a potential suggestion for how to be better. The latter is usually used just to hurt, to put down. So can we shift the inner critic's criticism to specific critique with a goal of leading with kindness? Example: You get an 80 on a test. Inner critic comes in and says, "That wasn't 100, so therefore you are stupid." -- can we shift that to, "It looks like you got the majority of it down, let's take a look at those 20 points and see where we will have to focus studying for next time."? This example both shows how initially the inner critic is putting you down for specific qualities about self instead of behaviors or results that you have gotten. Inner critics love to blur the lines like that. The shifted example/response includes specific feedback, acknowledging what you did well and pointing out where there is room for improvement in specific, defined ways. It also says nothing about your character as a result of this situation.

To bring all of this together, the inner critic is an internal voice or essence about yourself that is continuously pointing out failures, exacerbating low self-esteem, and overall pushing a distorted view of self forward in order to make you feel and act a certain way. We want to honor that the inner critic is likely a part of us that is scared, that is so worried that if it does not do this, you will fall apart or fail. We can honor this by noting it, by sitting present with the inner critic and assuring it that you want to hear and value what it says without the elements of cruelty. Let's ask the inner critic for feedback in a way that is productive and specific, and also honors the way that you as a human being can move toward acceptance, wholeness, and a well-deserved self-worth.