The Attachment Cry

The "Attachment Cry" is a term linked to a final attempt when people are looking for reassurance and preventing abandonment. In its original form, it is the when a child is still learning that their parent is going to come back. They may make one last attempt to "cry out" when their parent is leaving because they are unsure if their parent is going to come back, so they want them to stay longer. Over time, children can trust that their parents are going to return and that the attachment will typically be the same. But what happens when the child's parent does not come back consistently, or when they do come back, they are different? Children learn that they will want to hold onto that parent and make sure that things do not change as a result.

This can extend to adulthood, especially within romantic relationships. We see that individuals will hold onto their partners and have a difficult time letting go. In a day-to-day situation, they may bring up having sex right before their partner is about to leave to try to get them to stay a little longer, get a bit of reassurance of love and hopefully send a reminder, "you should come back." We also might see this in a break up with sending texts/letters/etc trying to get the person to change their mind.

What are some other examples?

1. With children, when their parents are leaving, they suddenly start crying and begging them not to leave.

2. A child may want to show their friend/family member all of their new toys, and then start showing a friend all the things in the house (even things they don't care about) in order to keep them from leaving.

3. The famous, "oh wait! look what I can do!" or "just one more horsey ride"

4. With children or older kids, they will either fake illness or they will actually make themselves ill (unconsciously) to prevent their parents from leaving.

5. In therapy when the session is over and the client either tells the therapist something critically important that has to be addressed or when they start to ask a lot of questions at the end - much like, "Wait, wait! Don't leave me!"

6. One mentioned by a client of mine earlier this week - when she goes to bed, she texts her partner, "talk tomorrow?" to which client's partner says, "of course, why wouldn't we?" -- much like, "Are you sure you are coming back?"

These are just some examples of the Attachment Cry and how it could come up in every day life. If you are noticing that you or your partner/child/friend is exhibiting some of these things, try to notice what you need from the interaction. Is it more assurance/reassurance that the relationship is going to continue? If that is the case, is there evidence that it would not, or are you responding to this interaction as you might have responded to an unhealthy attachment in the past?

It is important that you note that this is happening and question why. Then from there, you can ask for assurance and reassurance that you can use on an ongoing basis. What could be a symbol of your connection/attachment? Could you use that as needed so that you do not need to involve the other person each time you are feeling that you need that assurance/reassurance? I think it is definitely helpful to assume that you will sometimes need verbal assurance/reassurance. You should ask that of your partner when you need it, but try to push back on that a bit and see how self-soothing can also help in these moments as well .