The Body Keeps the Score, but you can change the tune.

This blog post was motivated by a conversation with a close friend.

"The Body Keeps the Score" is an amazing book about how trauma is remembered in the body. There has been a lot of research done after that book's publication on how this has been for people. But that can mean a lot of things - how triggers are stored within the body and even when we are not actively thinking about something, we can be sent into a flashback or panic attack. But what I am going to discuss in this blog post is a particular connection with regard to attachment.

Most of us think of attachment in very basic ways. Images of babies (or perhaps monkeys if you have read some psychology) come to mind. We think of attachment in basic terms - good or bad, secure or insecure, but there are multiple attachment styles. I will provide a small amount of information on the four most common below:

1) Secure: Autonomous, trusting. Relationships can be simpler, more straightforward. A person with this attachment style typically learned early on that it is okay/safe to trust other people.

2) Insecure-Anxious: Suspicious, preoccupied. These individuals have a harder time trusting others (and themselves), and they typically had inconsistent caregiving. Caregivers were loving and supportive at times and then unavailable/hurtful the next.

3) Insecure-Avoidant: Dismissing. These individuals typically have a harder time connecting and being vulnerable. They often had caregivers who didn't acknowledge their feelings or were self-absorbed (intentionally or not, which is a critical piece - this is common with complex grief, substance use, and trauma as well).

4) Disorganized: Unresolved. These individuals were sometimes scared of their caregivers. Love is learned to be mixed up with abuse, neglect, or abandonment.

For various reasons, babies/children attach or do not attach to the adults in their lives. There is much to be said about having a single secure attachment in your childhood. I want to reiterate that this does NOT have to be a primary, biological or adoptive parent. This can be any safe, consistent individual over the span of one's life.

One of the deeply motivating aspects of working with young adults for me comes out of the aforementioned book The Body Keeps the Score. One particularly striking piece for me was about how the brain can "reset" attachment styles in late adolescence/early adulthood. This can be done with a supportive therapist, a consistent partner, a changed parent, a close friend, etc.

“ A deep love relationship, particularly during late adolescence, when the brain once again goes through a period of exponential change, truly can transform us. So can the birth of a child, as our babies often teach us how to love. Adults who were abused or neglected as children can still learn the beauty of intimacy and mutual trust or have a deep spiritual experience that opens them up to a larger universe.” - The Body Keeps the Score

What an amazing opportunity for young adults... and I have seen it happening before my eyes. As a supervisor, I would tell my supervisees to first and foremost "Be a safe person" for the client. That is the foundation for clients of any age. If you have a client with a secure attachment style, it might not take as long as someone with an insecure attachment style, but it MUST be done with everyone before other work can take place. Sometimes, this foundational work can take years.

“You have to find someone you can trust enough to accompany you, someone who can safely hold your feelings and help you listen to the painful messages from your emotional brain. You need a guide who is not afraid of your terror and who can contain your darkest rage, someone who can safeguard the wholeness of you while you explore the fragmented experiences that you had kept secret from yourself for so long” -The Body Keeps the Score

Probably not the best idea, but I was re-reading this book while in my intensive EMDR therapy training a few years ago. Every day I am in awe of EMDR therapy (it deserves several blog posts on its own), and in that initial experience, I was particularly moved by the gratitude that arose for me from my own attachments in young adulthood. Being able to reset various parts of attachment styles, or even being able to transform aspects of self, to be mirrored, to be seen - what a wonderful gift. The growth that has come from that attachment will be with me forever.

So this concept has moved me in my personal life as well as in my professional life. I work on building the foundation every day with clients. I often use the example of a child who falls down while riding a bike; they may look back at their caregiver to know how to respond. While I am not going to necessarily tell clients how to respond, they are going to know that I am there - at the very least and most importantly - a safe person.