The Compromise

The Gottmans are highly regarded around the globe as phenomenal researchers and therapists. They work predominately with couples, helping them find better ways to connect, communicate, and thrive. Their techniques are truly wonderful, and I have seen couples blossom as a result of using them.

Today I am going to be focusing on "The Compromise" because it is one that you can use at any time, with anyone. It comes out of their work with couples, but it really can be used in any dyad or small team.

The steps are below:

1) Each person takes a piece of paper and pen to a comfortable, quiet place.

2) Draw three rings, each inside the next, like a bull's eye or target board.

3) In the innermost ring, you write what you truly cannot give up, what is critically important to you.

4) In the "in between" ring, you write what you would very much prefer to happen, but it is not as critical as the innermost items.

5) In the outer ring, you write that about which you are willing to be flexible.

6) Remember to try to just have 1-3 pieces in the innermost circle.

7) Remember to be as specific and detailed as possible, especially in the innermost ring.

8) Come back together and share.

One example may be you are trying to balance two traditions on Thanksgiving. You want to go to your parents' house with your partner and your partner wants you both to go to their aunt's house. Each of you find these traditions to be very important, but they are two hours away from one another. A Compromise might look like this.

You both might have in your innermost circles that you want to be together the two of you and you want to see your respective families You might find that in the "in between" ring you put that you want to be there for dessert, as that is when the best conversations happen. And the outer ring might include things like "I am okay to drive or I am okay if you drive" or things such as "We can make ___ or _____ for each family gathering." or "I am flexible about how much time we spend at each place, as long as we get to be there for ____."

You may find that when you speak from both a place of "This is what I want" AND a place of "This is flexible for me" then you get to a compromise much faster and much more calmly. Oftentimes we are put in a place where we are advocating for our needs before hearing the other person's needs - or that we feel we have to shut down our needs when our partner has an opinion. Fighting to be heard can bring up powerful feelings and resulting patterns can be insidious. We want to try to break these patterns because usually we find that underneath it all, there is a very manageable compromise!