To Draw a Line in the Sand: A Note on Boundaries.

When most people hear the word "boundaries" it often is met with a cringe or a joke, but boundaries warrant neither of those things. A boundary is defined as anything that sets a limit. Limit-setting is something with which everyone is familiar and everyone does on a regular basis. Boundaries can and should be different for different people. For example, some people may be comfortable with a movie night with their roommate every single night, while other people may not be comfortable. Family of origin and culture are often huge players in one's relationship to boundaries, but it should be assessed at a time in one's life where they feel they can make these decisions for themselves. Differences in boundaries can sometimes lead to arguments, but they can also lead to fulfilling conversation and closer bonds.

**Please note that while some parts of this post may be related, I am not explicitly discussing consent to sexual interactions and/or sexual boundaries in this post.**

Boundaries are particularly crucial now, when we are in a time where these concepts are polarized - firm, stated boundaries of "6 feet apart" or blurred boundaries, where partners/roommates/family members have very little space from one another. Thinking about your preferences, wants, and needs during this time is especially important.

So how do we set boundaries? The first step is to consider what your boundaries are. This can be incredibly difficult for people, especially those "people-pleasing" folks. Often those individuals look to others to determine what boundaries should be and then sometimes feel guilty, upset, or even violated, even when those limits are maintained. The reason why? Because they are not your limits. So figuring out what it actually looks like for you specifically is the first step.

Common questions to ask when figuring these things out?

1. What would I NEED out of this situation/interaction?

2. What would I PREFER out of this situation/interaction?

3. What is my comfort level in each of these situations/interactions?

4. What am I able to tolerate and for how long? And do I actually need to tolerate it?

5. Am I holding back my wants/needs because I'm worried about the other person's feelings/beliefs?

Back to the roommate example. If your roommate wants to have a movie night with you every night, then you might want to ask yourself what you want and/or need out of that interaction. Perhaps you like having movie nights occasionally, but you do not want to have them every night. You make all of these little choices to think about what makes you feel most comfortable. To communicate these things, you might need to have a sit-down talk or you might be able to share it when your roommate next brings up their want. I'd recommend having a talk when it is not approaching a possible boundary violation. So saying something like, "Hey, I really like being your roommate. I am realizing that I need some alone time in the evenings, and I would also like to set up a weekly movie night." This is offering reassurance that you don't want to get rid of the roommate, nor do you want to continue as things are going. Note how we are using AND instead of BUT -- if we were to say "I am realizing that I need some alone time in the evenings, but I would also like to set up a weekly movie night" then the BUT takes away from the boundary you are setting. Both are true, so use AND!

Other positive examples I have used myself and/or heard from clients/friends are:

-signs on doors to say "come in" or "alone time" - or just open/closed door

-light on/off to send a message if you are free

-headphones in/out

-a designated day/night a week where individuals have "alone time"

-many, many more!

How do we communicate when a boundary has been crossed? This one can be tricky and very individualized. The main thing that I would recommend is direct (if this is safe) communication. Passive aggression usually gets nowhere and will often leave both sides angrier. Share the situation, state your needs using "I" statements instead of criticism of the other person, and indicate how it can work for you in the future. A few things to consider with this are how important the boundary was for you, if you had communicated it prior, and what the status of your relationship is before/after the crossing. It might be easy for you to want to take one of the polarized roads of either ignoring the boundary crossing or totally cutting the person out of your life. While these both can be options, they should not be seen as the only options. It is more difficult, but far more fulfilling, to set a boundary with someone and share how you feel.

Finally, it is important to note that by communicating these boundaries, you are also communicating that you value this relationship. You are saying that you want this to work, that you care enough to put in the effort for it to work for both of you. In lifelong friendships, partnerships, and family relationships, boundaries can and will change - the most important part is sharing how you feel and advocating for what you want.

This topic leads into my next entry about "The Compromise" - so stay tuned!