On the Corner of Hypervigilance and People-Pleasing

"People pleasing" is a hot phrase that comes from a culture and a society where we are supposed to care more about others' needs than our own (see earlier post on selflessness). Selflessness and people pleasing are NOT flexibility, and it is detrimental to equate them.

People-pleasing behaviors typically start in childhood. Oftentimes children are taught to put others first, to treat others the way that you want to be treated. But what happens when the golden rule, "Treat others the way you want to be treated" is not followed for yourself? What happens when you stop knowing how you want to be treated, because you are constantly hypervigilant to what everyone else wants? Or what happens when you stop treating yourself with the same respect, care, and love that you give to others?

People-pleasing can also come out of families where acts of service were rewarded or necessary for survival/love. Someone might have learned that you have to do xyz to receive love, care, etc at its very baseline. "If you don't scan the room/relationship and see what needs to be done, you will not be able to relax and receive the love you deserve."

Hypervigilance is the clinical term for being "keyed up" or "on edge" or "waiting for the other shoe to drop" -- this is a state that people who have experienced trauma live in for most of their day. They are constantly worried about the next threat. This might lead them to look ten steps ahead to think about how they can plan for a possible negative outcome, or it might lead them to freeze and take in everything at the present moment as a potential threat. Hypervigilance often leaves us "filling in the blanks with anxiety" when there is space for unknown. Why not plan for the worst? Individuals who have experienced trauma can sometimes think, "Well, perhaps that something bad happened to me because I wasn't prepared, so now I have to be prepared." It becomes difficult to let their guard down because then they feel that from that space of vulnerability, they are weak and more likely to get hurt. What is important to note here is that while you can be hurt from a place of vulnerability (I will be writing more on vulnerability in a later post), these individuals feel that living life in a calmer state, or without being "keyed up" all the time, is unsafe. It is also important to note that a lot of times, people are unaware of this happening in their bodies. They aren't necessarily telling themselves, "I am unsafe" every moment of every day, but their bodies are responding as if they are.

So how are people-pleasing and hypervigilance connected? Oftentimes, hypervigilance can take the form of people-pleasing as a way of further protecting the individual from harm. Some thoughts might be, "If this person likes me, they will be less likely to yell at me" or "If I do everything that they want, they cannot hold anything against me." It is a way of trying to rewrite the past, affecting the future, trying to gain control over an uncontrollable situation. And when this happens over and over again, it can become second nature. Someone might think that sharing their needs/wants would lead to vulnerability, which would lead to hurt, and then lead to further hurt and hypervigilance, so why do that? Why not scan the room/relationship, see what you can do to please the other person, and do those things and be quiet about your needs? While sometimes this may lead to the avoidance of a fight, it also can be assumed incorrectly (hence hypervigilance 'filling in the blanks with anxiety') that your needs/wants will not be met. This can stop a deepening connection, a closer friendship, professional growth, and so many other relationships/outcomes.

So how can we help notice this happening? Much like calling awareness to detrimental selflessness, the first step is noting that it is happening. Notice the people-pleasing behavior and then really take a moment to question the motive for your people-pleasing. Is it deeply uncomfortable to hold space that someone might be upset with you? Do you worry about your safety? Or, perhaps more commonly, the safety of the attachment? Notice how distressing this can be, and try to challenge these thoughts. The intersection of hypervigilance and people-pleasing behavior can be very impactful, so notice it and challenge it, and [instead of trying to fix the past or control the future] remember to ground into the present. Check for your exits and then, truly, try to let go.